Birthday Oblivion
by Wicked Child
Summary: [Crack!fic] Oh the things that happen at a certain Foreign Minister's party thanks to a certain butler.


**AN: **Crack created back in August 2005. Something that's just fun and silly and another attempt to get me writing again. And because really, you know Pagan had to be a little bitter at some things in his life. Note that I know that a combination of drugs and alcohol would most likely not be something akin to the activities in the story. But seeing as this is crack...

**Birthday Oblivion**  
by Wicked Child

Oh how she wanted to just crawl into a hole and die. The night was turning into a nightmare and she had no clue as to what prompted such a fate for her own birthday celebration. While festive, the night had taken on a surreal entity that she had only read about in trashy novels when she was still a teenager. But then, she mused, it could have been all the alcohol she'd consumed throughout the night.

"Let's go streaking!" A roar went up in agreement from some nearby guests. Had she been completely sober, the Foreign Minister (no Vice for her any longer thank you very much) would have noticed that the so called roar came from three other people all of which who were too old and too wrinkly to show off anything.

And yet Relena turned her head toward the person making that declaration. Strangely the moving of her head from one side to another took longer than expected, but she found the person in question as he was starting to undress. Who knew Wufei was such an exhibitionist? She kept her eyes on him long enough to enjoy the view, and to subsequently blame it on the Corona in her hand and the seven empty bottles littered around her, before examining another situation taking place in front of her.

Quatre was hitting on Hilde, successfully too it would seem. The short haired woman was blushing and giggling like a school girl and had an unbelievably hard time keeping her hands off the blond man.

"Whore," she muttered before taking a swig of what she likened to a cold brewsky.

"I thought she was your friend."

It took a moment, but once she finally focused on the man speaking to her she smiled. "Ah Heero. How nice of you to partake in my birthday celebration!" She tossed him an "imported" beer and said, "Cheers!"

Heero frowned, having never seen the woman he considered to be that which is holy drunk. "Uh, thanks but I'm on duty."

Relena tried to roll her eyes but remembered before it was too late that once she started those damn things just wouldn't stop going round and round so she smirked instead. "Always the little soldier aren't you Mr. Yuy?"

"Someone has to be responsible here." He wondered how easily it might be to take the current Corona in her hand away before she made herself sick, but the look in Relena's eyes told him that if he even attempted to try she'd smash the bottle before brandishing it as a weapon screaming, "I cut you motherfucker!" It had happened before...on her last birthday. Instead Heero sat down next to That Which Is Holy, placing himself between her and the ice chest.

Relena didn't notice because she was still scrutinizing the latest development between Quatre and Hilde who were now effectively necking. "I'm serious Heero. Talk about a whore!"

"Relena, Hilde is your friend."

"Who said anything about Hilde? I'm talking about Quatre. That boy has just gone from one woman to the next. Man thinks he's God's gift to women." The snort that came from one Foreign Minister aka That Which Is Holy was so unlady like that it startled even her, to which she laughed.

Heero didn't know what to say so he stayed silent.

"I am a golden god!"

"Strike that. Quatre thinks he's the second greatest of God's gift to women." Relena tipped her beer in the direction of the latest declaration, which happened to be the roof of her three story house. "Sure you are big brother!"

Heero nearly had a heart attack. Milliardo Peacecraft stood atop the roof in only a loin cloth and body paint beating his chest as he continuously declared his golden godshipness. It was the one time in his life Heero desperately wished he had a camera on hand (not like the time where he did have one on hand as he justifiably spied on That Which Is Holy try on new bikini's as well as lingerie).

Soon the mantra of "Jump! Jump!" began to fill the backyard.

"Yeah Milli, go ahead and jump!" Oh how the Golden God beamed as his little sister cheered him on. It was all he wished for. He didn't hear her add, "Maybe you'll hit the patio instead of the water."

"Relena this is serious. Zechs could seriously injure himself." Not that Heero would mind of course, because his biggest obstacle in bedding That Which Is Holy would be out of his way.

"One could only hope Heero. Maybe he'll break a leg. Get it? Break a leg!" Relena giggled madly to herself as the Golden God jumped.

Unfortunately, he hit the water and created the motherload of cannonballs. Relena was heard cursing violently at her rotten luck and that God didn't like her because her brother emerged relatively unscathed and his pretty little face was still just that.

Trying to lighten the mood, Heero cleared his throat and decided on a new topic of conversation. "Hey Relena, did you notice Noin and Une making out in the kitchen?"

"Yeah I did actually. I think I'm going to need more butter after tonight."

Heero blinked. This was not news to her? Her sister-in-law was making out with another woman in her own kitchen and all she could think about was butter? He didn't have a chance to ask because Relena was giggling and speaking.

"That idiot over there," Relena indicated her brother, "thinks that Noin saved herself for him. But what he doesn't know is that Quatre had her back in Sanq! I can't wait to tell him when he's old and ugly!"

"Quatre and Noin...did it? In Sanq?" Heero had never heard of such things. Surely he would have known...except he remembered that he never put camera's in anyone's rooms but those which Relena frequented. Ah the memories.

"Oh yeah. Quatre's been with Noin, Dorothy, I think even Sally, Catherine--and you can't tell me you didn't know that one because there's no way her husband is the father of her kid--and now Hilde. Hell I believe he even had Une, after Trowa finished with her of course. Hell Quatre's been with all the women here." Relena took another swig but frowned because she'd already finished that bottle. Not caring where it landed, she chucked it over her shoulder and knocked Duo out...again.

She didn't notice the narrowed eyes of one former assassin sitting next to her. "He's been with _all_ the females Relena?"

"Ayup!" Not finding another full or halfway full or even quarter full bottle on her table she said, "Hand me another one Hee-chan!"

"I think you've had enough. I want to hear more about Quatre and all the women he's had."

After she finished blowing raspberries at the rather trigger happy assassin, Relena said, "Heero you could have just about any chick you wanted. Except for Noin and Une who are busy making it on my kitchen table. I always thought Noin and Sally would hook up actually but hey whatever makes 'em happy."

"Relena..." It was a warning, one she usually heeded. Usually being the operative word.

"Heero... I have a confession to make." Looking at her would suggest that the obviously drunk woman was damn near sober at the moment.

"A confession Relena?" Maybe this was it. Maybe this would be the time that Relena would say those three precious words to him: "Do me now!"

"All those years you wore that spandex, I never said anything because I was having way too much fun looking at your package. The thought of you in those tight little black biker shorts made all those meetings so very bearable."

Okay it wasn't what he had expected, but it was good enough for him.

"Hey Relena, why don't you show me how much you liked looking at this package of mine." With that Heero helped That Which Is Holy And About To Become All His In More Ways Than One from her chair and toward her--their?--bedroom. He tried not to jump everytime she pinched his ass or smacked it saying, "Ride 'em cowboy!"

In the end, Heero was thrilled that Relena had tried to drown her depression on her birthday to oblivion because it got him a Foreign Minister fat with his child. Although he never did find out just why everyone at that party, sans Trowa (who was busy getting laid at his other job) and himself, got so totally wasted. If he'd paid any attention to Pagan and his whereabouts he would have realized just how much the "punch" got spiked, not only with alcohol but Ruffies and Ecstacy combined. Truly the old man had a sick sense of humor and a strange sense of justice.

"Win a fucking medal for fencing at the Olympics and all I get for it is to become a fucking butler that butles day in and out. I'll show them!"


End file.
